Ahoy, mates. Smythe the Caricature Pirate at your service to introduce to ye, Best of City Life. Arrrrrrrr! City Life be the SunPost’s catch-all section: politics, recreation, services — it can all be found in this chapter in one form or another. It may seem like chaos to the inexperienced landlubber, but City Life very much defines what Miami-Dade be. That’s why we call it City Life. Understand? Ye better, or I’ll be runnin’ you through, you scalawags! Walk the plank! Walk the plank! Sorry. The Dark Caricature Pirate sphere of my brain took control again. Ever since me stroke, they been fighting for dominance. Now in the dark world where I dwell, ugly things and surprising things, and sometimes little wondrous things, spill out at me constantly, and I can count on nothing. Arrr! Now I’m stealing lines from A Scanner Darkly. Anyway, life in Miami is different from say, Wichita. There are no beaches in Wichita, or oceans, but there be the old Cowtown and zoos and museums and an Air Force base, and people wearing plaid shirts and lots of flat fields and tornadoes. Ah, reminds me why I fled me hometown to be a Caricature Pirate. Arrrrrrr! There be plenty of treasures all over Miami-Dade County for the taking! Just get a crew together, some rum, maybe a few cannons and have at it! Wait, the Department of Homeland Security will likely intervene. And then it’s off to Guantanamo! Better yet, just go sightseeing. Aye, sightseeing. So, avast ye! Best of City Life awaits. Arrrr! Personal Best: Paul George

Best Fowl Experience: Rooster Guy, chick magnet

Best City Department (Miami)

Office of the Auditor General

We are becoming big Victor Igwe fans. For one thing, his name sounds cool and could work in a James Bond-style spy movie. “Igwe. Victor Igwe.” Neat. But seriously, Igwe and his staff do good work, managing to crank out some pretty scathing audits that get Miami Mayor Manny Diaz and company scrambling for damage control. The latest was a summary of the inefficiencies plaguing the Department of Community Development’s affordable housing program. The housing program, much like Miami-Dade County’s, is — to steal lyrics from Thom York’s “Black Swan”—“fucked up, fucked up.”

So, a toast — to Mr. Igwe: may he remain untouched by the forces of darkness so that he may uncover more graft and monetary waste. And can we call you Iggie?

 

Best City Department (Miami Beach)

Miami Beach Fire Department

The Collins Park Hotel burned pretty hot last February, and given that city planners of the 1920s and 1930s didn’t believe in setbacks, the fire could have easily spread to several other wooden buildings on the block. If that happened, an entire segment of Miami Beach history would have been converted into charcoal and hundreds of individuals and families left homeless. That would have been quite a depressing start for the Collins Arts Neighborhood District Overlay’s first few weeks. Fortunately, the MBFD was on the scene in enough time to put out the fire. Yet for the MBFD, it is all in a day’s work.

 

Best County Department

Miami-Dade Fire Rescue Department

The Miami-Dade Fire Rescue Department is one of the few places in county government where performance overshadows any controversy it might come across (this is the county). Look, bottom line, these guys jump into burning buildings and raging oceans (MDFRD has a certified Ocean Rescue Bureau) and drive ambulances on the most dangerous roads of the United States while simultaneously ensuring their passengers don’t die. What else needs to be said?

 

Best-Managed City

Coral Gables

What can we say? Coral Gables residents love their government. That point was made obvious when all three incumbents were re-elected to office, including Mayor Donald Slesnick, who had to fend off persistent attacks from a frothing angry police union. As to the recent scandals regarding the City Beautiful’s building and zoning department? Hardly a blip on the radar screen when you compare the housing controversies of Miami and Miami-Dade County or the other mismanagement uncovered with Miami-Dade Water and Sewer.

 

Francisco Menendez was the pirate leader of the only free black town in the South — Gracia Real de Santa Teresa de Mose. Known today as Fort Mose (say Moh-SAY), the settlement was set up a couple miles from St. Augustine by the Spanish government in Florida as a nice little buffer zone between themselves and the Brits and their 13 colonies. In 1738, Menendez, a former British slave from West Africa, was appointed by the Spanish governor to command a group from Fort Mose against a British invasion. Menendez and his crew intercepted a bunch of foreign vessels while looking out for the English, pillaging and plundering along the way. However, in 1741, the British vessel, appropriately named The Revenge found and captured Menendez. Being the practiced pirate that he was, Menendez somehow restored his freedom, and was leading the camp at Fort Mose once again in 1752. When the English forces became too much for the Spanish’s weak-hold in Florida to take, the state was ceded to the British in 1763 (they only stayed in their new digs for about 10 years), and the Spanish and their former slaves, including Menendez moved on to Cuba. — Tiffany Glick (Source: Twenty Florida Pirates)

Best-Managed City If You Are a Developer

Miami

Oh, you just never mind about that whole Miami 21 nonsense, developers. An argument can always be made that the current zoning on your land is a hardship and won’t allow you to build the profitable high-rise of your dreams. And, hey, if you are anywhere near a Metro Rail or a bus line, you just forget about those parking spaces, ya dig? The “development is good” mantra is back with a new twist—“development is good for the environment.” Forget Miami Beach. They’re snotty over there. Get on over to Miami mainland and drink the Kool-Aid.

 

Best Political Scandal

Affordable Housing

All right. We’ll say it: the Miami Herald has done a good job. Heck, its series of stories investigating the Miami-Dade County Housing Agency’s scandalous handing out of millions of dollars to developers, contractors and developers who don’t build any affordable housing has pretty much branded the scandal as House of Lies. And now the Herald takes aim at a similar series of scandals within the city of Miami.

 

Best Political Scare

Budget Cuts

Boy, that inflating real estate market sure was a fun ride. It got so high that a lot of primary homeowners are being taxed out of existence in many parts of the state, especially in Miami-Dade County. Under a newly passed law, moderate tax cuts will be offered to homesteaded property owners in November. And there will be a lot more tax cuts coming under a proposed state amendment—for primary homeowners. The cuts, while not as high as originally proposed, will mean less money for local governments, causing a wave of soul searching and budget crunching by municipal and county entities from Key West to the Georgia-Florida state line. Even progressive leaders are crying for mercy. Yet if it means preventing primary home owning residents from going into foreclosure, all we got to say to our local elected officials is this: stop proposing pie-in-the-sky projects that never get built and start tightening your belts.

 

Runner-Up:

The Return of Johnny Winton

Oh, gosh, what fun it was — the prospect of Miami Commissioner Johnny Winton returning to political office. The political elites of Miami began to sing “happy days are here again” while activist types throughout District 2 prepared to go to war. Marc Sarnoff himself vowed he was going nowhere. One could picture him barricaded in his office, ready to resist any attempt to bring Winton, who plead guilty to two lesser misdemeanor charges, back in there. And then upon returning, Winton would unpack his secret bar, hug Manny Diaz and his entourage and start building high-rises on top of passive kiddy parks that Sarnoff himself built. Fun we tell you. Fun.

 

Best Political Tug of War

UTD vs. School Board

Teachers overtook the streets, sent e-mails calling for a strike…er, rally, and in the end they still got a pretty shitty contract. It was nine months of agonizing meetings with Miami-Dade Public School System Superintendent Rudy Crew and friends to increase the starting salary of teachers, which at the time was $34,200, UTD just would not settle. United Teachers of Dade President Karen Aronowitz surprised her colleagues when she shook Crew’s hand in approval of their new contract: an increase to $40,000 by 2009 for beginning teachers but for veteran teachers, the pickings were slim. The juicier news came in the shape of Union Steward’s Shawn Beightol’s mysterious “transfer.” For his open mind (and unfortunate use of “misuse” of MDCPS e-mail), this Michael Krop Senior High chemistry teacher was briefly reassigned to office work at a bus depot.

 

Best Politician

Carlos Alvarez

Gotta hand it to “His Strongness,” Mayor Carlos Alvarez, who managed to use just enough of his newly found powers clearing out some dead wood in the upper echelons of city government to generate press and controversy that he could easily sidestep. For example, the African-American political elites were willing to stage a brief sit-in at Alvarez’s office in reaction to the mayor’s termination of Roosevelt Bradley from his transit director job. All the ado pretty much stopped when the mayor himself went on the airwaves to explain the decision. When more details about Roosevelt’s screwed-up management style came to light, commentators began wondering why the county’s black leaders did not make as big of a deal about the affordable housing scandal uncovered by the Miami Herald and African-American activists. In short: winner Alvarez.

Yet Alvarez did not go all radical. He has come out in verbal support of some major sweetheart projects that will cost the taxpayers tens of millions of dollars. He likes the idea of a billion-dollar underwater tunnel. And he loves the idea of a baseball stadium in Miami somewhere. So special interests can rest assured that Alvarez won’t mess with their pending revenue streams — not unless he has to.

 

Runner-Up:

Charlie Crist

Call him Johnny Cash: Charlie Crist walks the line — between liberal and conservative camps in Tallahassee. The tightrope walker got better-than-average tax cuts that managed to annoy and please everyone. Now that’s an art form. And did you see that new girlfriend who just popped up? Boy, is she convenient, er—we mean hot. Yeah, hot.

 

Best Elected Official

Marc Sarnoff

Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff hasn’t occupied his District 2 seat for very long. However, during his brief tenure on the commissioner, Sarnoff has managed to rustle many feathers at Magic City Hall, including Hizzoner Manny Diaz. Sure, we love Commissioner Tomas Regalado, but much of his opposition to Diaz seems partly based on rhetoric. Sarnoff, on the other hand, cuts the traditional way of thinking with thought-out logic. Yes, Sarnoff has had his missteps (like hiring and firing Frank Rollason as his chief of staff for mysterious reasons), but he has worked his ass off trying to represent all the people of his district, and the rest of Miami as well.

 

Best Political Contest

Miami Beach Election of 2007

The election is coming, and we here at the SunPost have already started taking our regimen of Prozac. Seriously, this is going to be a competitive race in Miami Beach land — one that will surely stress out anyone taking part of it or observing it. Thanks to term limits, four out of seven seats on the Miami Beach commission — including the mayor’s — are up for grabs. Such a shift in personnel can change a lot of policy at the multibillion-dollar sandbar. Zoning codes, charter amendments, laws governing lobbyists, contracts that don’t even exist yet; all can change after November. And considering that Miami Beach is still the most desirable place in Miami-Dade County to visit and live, there are a lot of people inside and outside of Miami Beach who will be watching this race closely.

 

Best Exit

Frank Rollason

First he didn’t make the run-off. The mud battle between incumbent (and alledged Diaz-lackey) Linda Haskins and activist-come-lately lawyer Marc Sarnoff, was just too much for his character, it seemed. He was on foreign terrain in a mucky campaign.

Even though Rollason was a well-known name in the political activism business after serving as Assistant City Manager and then as director of the group of meaty activists known as the Overtown CRA, he hardly placed in the election pageant, and had to bow out with only his sash for Mr. Congeniality.

After losing the bid for City of Miami District 2 Commission seat in November, Rollason, in a shining example of burying the hatchet, took seat winner Sarnoff’s offer to join him on the dais — well, behind him on the dais — as his chief of staff. Rollason, being the virtuous guy he is, reportedly showed up at 7:30 a.m. for his first day of work at fixing stuff and helping folks, all in the name of community service. After all, Rollason is one of those good neighbor, former marine at the VFW, high school teacher that changed your life, down to earth kind of good guys. He lasted all of a few hours, it was reported, and some of us felt something between WTF-disappointment all over again, and a “figures” kind of melancholy about city government.

The irony is, with Sarnoff’s campaign relying heavily on the support of the Firefighters Union, a buoy some say former fire marshal Rollason should have had, the one-time competitor could have been a big help to old Sarni.

But pressure from the other kids apparently prevailed as members of the commission expressed dissent over the decision, and Rollason, being the upstanding guy he is, stood up…and walked out.

What’s that? You want more irony? This is exactly the kind of quality you want in your elected officials: apparently anyone smart enough to deserve the position, wouldn’t want it.

 

Best-Dressed City Commissioner

Michael Gongora

On the Miami Beach City Commission campaign trail, Gongora was often seen out and about town in very sporty jeans and well-fitting polo ensemble, or bumming around in a très chic fitted V-neck Tee and trucker cap. He rocks that presidential black-suit-white-shirt-red-tie fashion staple perfectly, appears at Nikki Beach in a “smart casual” blazer, an open collar shirt and jeans, and seems to know the cotton suit-cotton tie rule. Gongora has discovered the magic of a fitted shirt, and an occasional bespoke-looking suit à la Savile Row. He pulls off trendy plaid shorts with a scruffy goatee and manages to wear a beige suit without looking like Andy Griffith on Matlock. He also knows when not to wear a tie, illustrating the cool thing about Gongora’s fashion sense — never overdressed.

 

Best Political Prosecution

The Firm

Miami activists have long complained about general obligation bond projects not being done. The line given by public officials: Well, this Homeland Security/General Obligation Bond was put to the voters in 2001 and, gosh, so many promises were made that we just don’t have the staff to do it all, but please be patient. It turned out that 11 of 14 employees in the city’s Capital Improvement Projects Office, instead of working on public projects, were hiring themselves out as architects and planners for private firms and using city equipment to complete their work. That changed just a couple of weeks ago when the authorities cuffed them all and charged them with a series of felonies, including racketeering. So if there are any planners and architect types out there looking for work in Miami, the Magic City is hiring.

 

Best Political Hatchet Man

Henry Lowenstein

If we had to guess what sort of motto Henry Lowenstein has, we’d say it would be “Don’t mess with my neighborhood.” The president-elect and legal counsel for the Orchard Park Neighborhood Association in Middle Beach, Lowenstein and his neighbors passionately fought against the approval of a new condominium near 41st Street, arguing, among other things, that traffic is already pretty darn congested in the area. When the Design Review Board and Planning Board ignored their pleas, Lowenstein didn’t give up. He plotted for a way to make city boards and elected officials more beholden to resident wishes. And so he joined forces with longtime Beach activist and near-constant land use committee member Victor Diaz to form a special political action committee to influence the upcoming election. In spite of this, Lowenstein still finds the time to fight efforts to bring lights to Pine Tree Park (he insists that the park was meant to be a daytime passive park without a dog recreation element), to collect guitars and to buy a guitar festival from Newport, Rhode Island and bring it to Miami Beach.

 

Best Name

Francis Frances, executive assistant to Miami Beach Mayor David Dermer

 

Best LetDown

The Miami Vice Movie

We could feel it coming in the air (tonight) as the Miami Vice trailers began to run in late July of 2006. They looked amazing, just amazing, and we were all ecstatic that Michael Mann was bringing back the iconic story of two silky-smooth police characters shooting, punching and arresting Miami’s bad guys. But the only thing the new Miami Vice movie was able to do was prove that beautiful camera work and a huge budget don’t make a great movie. The visuals are great, cinematographer Dion Beebe (Chicago and Memoirs of a Geisha), in a 2006 interview said he used high-end HD video cameras to squeeze into “the passenger seat of a Ferrari, or in a small boat or airplane.” Despite the innovative visual style, the movie is almost unwatchable. For example, one of the most amazingly shot scenes in the movie — maybe even in recent film history — takes place in a speed boat as Colin Farrell and his love interest, played by Li Gong, take off from Miami Beach across the Atlantic Ocean. The film cuts between shots from high in the sky, peering down at the tiny, lonely boat leaving its wake in the ocean, and close-ups in which the camera seems to be hanging off the front of the boat, giving the viewer the feel of being right there with the actors. The problem: The dialogue between Farrell and Gong is absent of any interesting human interaction; nothing funny, nothing sweet, nothing interesting, just stiffness and sadness. That scene sums up the rest of the film, unfortunately.

 

Best Fall From Grace

Raul Masvidal

Wow. Wow. Wow. Talk about a lot of competition for this category this year. Besides the half-dozen or so county officials and county-hall lobbyists under investigation and the various building officials who have been arrested for stealing or soliciting bribes, the number of people involved with Miami-Dade County and city of Miami housing authority projects who have been implicated for theft, corruption or just plain incompetence continues to grow and grow. But after some deliberation, we decided that the nod for Best Fall From Grace should go to Raul Masvidal, a developer so trusted (heck, he was a member of the county’s Public Health Trust) that he was given $3.5 million to build a new office building for the housing agency a few years back. Unfortunately, Masvidal never got around to building the office building and instead, according to the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office, invested part of the dough in a sculpture of a giant watermelon and some stacked tea cups, something that Masvidal eventually got arrested for, but not before getting into a fist fight with an artist friend of his, launching a suit of his own against the county blaming them for the building’s delays, and seeing his wife get arrested for shoplifting a purse valued at more than $900. Sad thing is, Masvidal was seen as a leader of the Cuban-American community. He was a Bay of Pigs veteran. He sought to build bridges between Miami’s diverse communities. He nearly got elected mayor of Miami with the Miami Herald’s endorsement. Even though Masvidal is awaiting trial, the man showed up for jury duty and was nearly picked as a juror in the John Couey trial. Well, as they say—innocent until proven guilty.

 

Best Reason to Leave Town

The Weather

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? The very thing that attracts people to this place we call Florida is the very reason we might want to leave. On the one hand, according to the South Florida Water Management District, we are in the midst of the most severe drought in the last 4,000 years. However, we can’t help but notice being hit by a series of monsoon-sized rainstorms. Unfortunately, as far as the SFWMD is concerned, “South Florida” includes West Florida (Naples), much of Central Florida (Orlando) and this giant geographical feature called Lake Okeechobee. The rains ain’t been falling in those parts lately, especially Lake Okeechobee, which resembles more of a crater than a lake. Did we mention that much of our water supply comes from Okeechobee? Well, it does.

On top of that, overworked and underpaid hurricane forecasters at the Florida International University-based National Hurricane Center predict that Florida is gonna get mugged by a whole bunch of named storms this year. Overworked and underpaid hurricane forecasters also think we’ll be in a heap of trouble because they don’t have the equipment or resources (money) to properly predict storm paths. Overworked and underpaid hurricane forecasters also admit never hearing about this National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, doesn’t understand why its leaders have suddenly declared themselves to be their boss (they could have sworn they were overseen by the National Weather Service), why they got to put the NOAA logo everywhere and why they are spending taxpayer money on convincing people that they existed for 200 years instead of buying equipment that can measure ocean temperatures or gas to fuel tracker planes. In fact, hurricane forecasters predict that they will probably just retire and let NOAA director/retired Navy Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher figure out hurricane paths while dressed up as President Thomas Jefferson since he thinks he’s so smart. Hurricane forecasters predict they will retire to place where the threat of hurricanes are nil, like Nevada (Florida is practically a desert anyway), frequent casinos and pretend to play slot machines so they can score free drinks.

 

Best Law

Certain Appearances Prohibited

Right off the bat, we should express our sincere sympathies to Miami Beach City Commissioner Michael Gongora. The man, for whatever reason, had no idea that his being elected commissioner for the whopping salary of $7,000 a year would prevent anyone from the influential government relations law firm of Becker and Poliakoff, of which he is an associate, from appearing before any Miami Beach city boards. It’s a high price to pay for public service.

But it is a necessary one. Enacted in 1997, the ordinance, entitled “Certain Appearances Prohibited,” not only forbids city board members from representing clients before their own board, but other boards as well. You see, prior to the code’s enactment, there was a sort of select group of lawyers and architects on the Beach who were always hired as lobbyists and, although required to recuse if one of their specific cases came before their board, their clients always seemed to be sure their projects either passed or came darn close to passing.

Predictions that no one would volunteer to serve on boards turned out to be false. People of all political and professional backgrounds applied to serve on boards—even architects and lawyers who didn’t mind the board stint appearing on their resume and the free citywide parking decal. Over the years, the Certain Appearances Prohibited law was strengthened to include associates and partners of board members. Finally, elected officials were included in the equation.

This brings us to two questions. One: What if this standard were applied to other municipalities and jurisdictions like Miami, Sunny Isles Beach or (drum roll) Miami-Dade County? How much different would the policy be? Two: Will the Miami Beach law last? There’s a big election coming up on the Beach. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig election. And after that, anything can happen, including the creation of loopholes so big dogs can be thrown through them.

 

Best Lawsuit

David Dermer v. Miami-Dade County Board of Commissioners

The Miami-Dade County Commission wants to protect us from liars.

That’s why they approved a law that would make it punishable by a $500 fine or 60 days in jail if an activist gets so passionate about an issue that he or she dares to circulate a petition and, in the course of doing so, expresses an opinion that may not be construed as fact.

 Such a law would be all right in places like say, Egypt, where the right of free speech is pretty relative. But in the United States of America, the Constitution pretty much guarantees political expression as an absolute right. And then, one day, it dawned on one of our elected officials that Miami-Dade County was, in fact, still part of United States and that the county can’t pick and choose what is acceptable free speech.

That official was Miami Beach Mayor David Dermer, and in a way it is fitting that he would be the individual making the challenge. Prior to being elected into office, Dermer led an effort to get a charter amendment on the June 1997 ballot requiring voter approval for zoning increases along the waterfront. Being that the city of Miami Beach was knee-deep in a complicated deal that would give developer Thomas Kramer a huge zoning increase for a parcel of land he owned beside South Pointe Park, it didn’t seem likely that the City Commission itself would place such a referendum on the ballot.

But that’s OK because back then it was possible, under the county’s charter, for ordinary citizens to circulate a petition requesting referendum for a law, provided they collect signatures from at least 4 percent of the city’s registered voters. When the signatures were collected, Beach residents had their vote.

At least, it used to be OK for anyone who wanted to propose a county law or recall an elected official from office to do the same thing. As long as 4 percent of the registered voters of that official’s district were collected, you had yourself a special election too.

Insulted that county voters would dare approve a strong mayor referendum and miffed that anyone would dare to throw Commissioner Natacha Seijas out of office, county commissioners approved a series of ordinances making it harder for anyone not in office to request a special election. The doozy of them all was 06-167, which authorizes the arrest of anyone who “lies” while circulating petitions, intimidating the citizens who dare question their government.

That’s just bad form in a country where people actually believe that elected officials work for them. Hopefully, a judge will agree.

 

Best Referendum

Strong-Mayor Question

Unless the County Commission’s fascist laws governing how future petition initiatives are collected in Miami-Dade are overturned, Citizens for Reform’s initiative to grant the county mayor the power to hire and fire department heads may be the last time a referendum not proposed by a city or county board will be posed to the electorate. Sure, the PAC was essentially led by Mayor Carlos Alvarez, but he doesn’t have the power to enact special elections, and county commissioners hate the idea of a power shift away from them. That’s what was particularly wonderful about last January’s election — it gave residents an opportunity to punish county commissioners for their arrogant behavior of late. It’s almost worth the risk of electing a slick, corrupt mayor in the future.

 

Best Buzz Kill

Manny Diaz

Remember November 2001? The optimism the media had when a Cuban-American lawyer with progressive ideas named Manny Diaz got himself elected mayor of the city of Miami? In the years that followed, Diaz was the darling of the press, particularly the Miami Herald and the Miami New Times. Both publications never tired writing glowing features and columns about hizzoner’s style of governance. That started to change two years ago, when his appointed city manager, Joe Arriola, looked increasingly like he needed to be committed in a straight jacket and the cries of Miami activists became too loud to ignore. Poor Mayor Diaz, nowadays the local press has a hard time stifling laughter when he calls himself the “green mayor.” His honeymoon with the Fourth Estate and the people at large in the Magic City is truly over, and all he did was point-blank state that he was pro-business and, therefore, pro-development. Then, there is that fire fee settlement scandal, his decision to invest in a property with Winton and Arriola and the weirdness regarding his old Monty’s restaurant at Dinner Key. But hey, he’s termed out. If there was ever a time for the euphoria to end, it is now. Besides, Diaz still has the out-of-state press core wrapped around his finger. Hey, maybe he can become a columnist for The New York Times when all is said and done.

 

Best Shocker of the Year

Rep. Arza Drops the N-bomb

Just when you think Florida politics couldn’t get any worse, someone does something so utterly atrocious it assures media folks that they still have a job. In the 21st Century, the politically incorrect N-word continues to make headlines. The latest one came from Rep. Rafael Arza in an angry voicemail message left on Rep. Gus Barreiro’s cell phone. Among a slew of obscenities, Arza referred to Miami-Dade County Public Schools superintendent Rudy Crew, an African-American man, as, well, you know. Naughty, naughty, Arza. Almost instantly, recordings of the messages were released to the world, prompting former Gov. Jeb Bush to call for his resignation. Consequently, Arza resigned an hour before a scheduled hearing by a House of Representatives panel.

 

Best Neighborhood

Coconut Grove

Coconut Grove is actually a series of neighborhoods: North Grove, South Grove, Center Grove and West Grove, each with its own characteristics. But there is something Coconut Groveish about most Coconut Groveites: They’re very protective of trees and all things green, weary of the future character of the neighborhood, love sailing, desire youth programs and, citing a really long history that predates Miami, have aspirations of declaring their independence from the city of Miami. In short: Coconut Grove is a breeding ground for eccentric, passionate and intelligent activists that Miami can use more of.

 

Best Up-and-Coming Neighborhood

The Margaret Pace Park Condos

It looks like Margaret Pace Park, the eight-acre waterfront public recreation space just north of downtown, is slowly becoming Miami’s Central Park. Juxtaposed to Biscayne Bay, Margaret Pace offers joggers, tennis players and dog-walkers a view all the way to Miami Beach. It would, without a doubt, be nominated “Best Park” if it weren’t for the mega-condo construction across the street overshadowing the park, with its bare concrete walls covered in scaffolding and various construction materials looming high above. The new neighborhood will include three projects: Quantum on the Bay, Opera Tower and The 1800 Club. The buildings will include all the high-end condo must-haves: gyms with flat-screen televisions, oddly shaped pools with waterfalls, and postcard views of Miami from all directions. What a great place to live! The problem is that, like living by Central Park, few will be able to afford it. Location: Surrounding 1745 N. Bayshore Drive, Miami.

 

Best Disappearing Neighborhood

The Old Midtown Miami along Biscayne Boulevard

The area along Biscayne, north of the Performing Arts District and south of the Design District, in what is now known as Midtown, was home to drug dealers and prostitutes throughout the ’80s and ’90s, the type of place that would inspire the locking of car doors and fear of having to stop at red lights. But with an increased police presence and boom of retail and condo development, many of the prostitutes and drug dealers are being forced out. Midtown even has its own Web site now, www.midtownmiami.com, where you can see many of the upcoming projects, including huge, modern-style condo towers, many of which are sold out. Then, replacing the fading bodegas is The Shoppes at Midtown, a huge mall-like complex containing a Target, Circuit City, West Elm, Foot Locker and other anchor stores. Prostitutes don’t shop at West Elm! Well, maybe they do, but while they’re picking out throw pillows, they probably look back with a twinkle in their eye at the dirty Midtown that is almost gone.

 

Best Mailbox

The Femail

We’re not sure if the shiny blue mannequin with a mailbox for a head in the front yard of a house off of 36th Street in Miami had a name, so we named it. It was female. It was mail. It was the “Femail.” Why would you care about this wacky mailbox? You didn’t. We know that, but we liked it. And we appreciate a sense of humor, and creative uses for mannequin parts. We could go on about the construction of oral fixation or the failures of human communication, the parallels of inanimate objects and existence, the derivative of nonrepresentational and nonobjective abstraction, surrealism, Dada, blahblah. It’s just a freakin’ cool mailbox. And it’s functional. And that’s one true measure of art, isn’t it?

But the Femail is gone now. Only the shiny red mannequin perched atop the roof of the house, looking longingly at the spot where her functional counterpart once stood, remains. Did she, sick of junk mail, go postal, mumbling, “Take this job and stick it!” as she cast off her flag shackle and began her journey to the sea? Was she pillaged by Biscayne Boulevard pirates and sold into red slavery? Whatever was her fate, her rooftop comrade isn’t talking.

 

Best Anticipated Event

Florida Primary 2008

When it comes to electoral votes, only California, Texas and New York have more than the Sunshine State of Florida. And now we get to show the entire country our preference in who should be the nominee of the Democratic and Republican parties when we hold our primary on January 29. That’s just four days after New Hampshire, The Live Free or Die State, the place where traditionally presidential hopefuls brave freezing weather to earn their mark on the campaign trail. Our advice to the wanna-be presidential types: Traditions change, man. Do the math: New Hampshire has four electoral votes; Florida has 27. Did we mention that, while prone to being slammed by hurricanes and suddenly being scarce of water, things like sleet and snow are virtually unknown here?

But we’re preaching to the choir, huh? Presidential handlers know that this is the state that threw the ’00 election into chaos. And why? Because when it comes to national issues, Floridians do vote and our votes cannot be taken for granted by any party: Republican, Democrat, Green, Independent or otherwise.

So Floridians, some bad news: There will be frequent traffic disruptions as candidates press the flesh even before the New Hampshire primaries close. But the good news is that we are going to be sucked up to in a big way. That’s gotta do wonders for the self-esteem.

 

Best Crowd Magnet

Super Bowl Weekend

There was a lot of traffic. There was a lot of rain. ArtCenter/South Florida got a bit greedy and converted its nonprofit gallery exhibition space into a T-Shirt shop (really). And a ton of garbage evidently piled up in the Dumpster behind Big Pink. Yet all things considered, Super Bowl Weekend was pretty sweet. Not only did the city of Miami Beach and the surrounding areas get an economic shot in the arm, but locals had an extra excuse to get drunk and watch football. For those who could brave the traffic, the National Football League had a series of fun activities for tourists and residents leading up to the event. And last but not least, in this post-9/11 atmosphere, we didn’t get blown up.

 

Best Local Blog

Old Grover

Ahoy, mates! Smythe the Caricature Pirate at your service again. Arrrrrrr! In exchange for me service writing intros, I was given a case of rum, two packages of replacement eye patches and the opportunity to submit a Best Of entry. Ye probably don’t know this, but aside from wearing 18th-Century garb and puffy shirts and saying “aarrrr!” a lot, I like to surf the Net. And one night, while a-surfin’ cyberspace for pirate-related information, I came across a local blog called Old Grover (http://oldgrover.blogharbor.com/blog) run by someone who goes by the handle of “Howard Beasley” and claims to be able to trace his roots to Coconut Grove all the way back to the late 19th Century. The purpose of the blog be to satirize issues of national and local importance through computer-altered photographs. Among his favorite targets be Miami Mayor Manny Diaz, whom old Grover has depicted as the Jolly Green Giant, Captain Ahab, a penny and a messianic angel. Arrrr! There also be plenty of pictures of former Miami commissioner Johnny Winton, especially variations of his bloodied mug shot following his wee scuffle with two Miami-Dade cops. But me favorite picture has got to be of developer Jorge Perez in a movie poster as a pirate! Arrr? Forget the politics, Perez looks smashing as a long-haired “Captain Perez” with a musket in hand! In fact, if there really be a movie called Perez of the Condominium: The Curse of the Concrete, as Beasley suggests, I’d go see it in a flash. Then again, I’d go and see any movie with caricature pirates in ’em. It’s just who I be. Arrrrr!

 

Best Local Nonprofit

United Way Center for Excellence in Early Childhood Education

Started by visionaries at Miami’s United Way and local early childhood education advocates, the Center will finish its first year of operation in January 2008. The enormous facility is designed to be an ideal fit for youngsters, with knee-high sinks, simulated living room classrooms and a tiny theater for budding artists. And not only is the Center a paradise for preschoolers, but it’s also a haven for adults devoted to improving education for tiny tots. Teachers and researchers are able to peer into classes being conducted with the most progressive methods yet and take the knowledge back to their schools. Imagine Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, but with shiny, happy children. The possibilities are endless. Location: 3250 SW 3rd Ave., Miami. Phone: 305-631-7600. Web site: www.unitedwaymiami.org/centerforexcellence.asp

 

Best Public View

Park at 14th Street and Bay Road, Miami Beach

To hear condo owners at the neighboring Waverly describe it, one would think this park is an unkempt cesspool that attracts ogres who reside under bridges. We have to ask, “What dimension do these guys live in?” Oh, yeah: the dimension that would enable them to keep their illegal fence up that is blocking the public’s access to a public baywalk. Silly us. Anyway, the grass here is nice and green, there are doggie bag dispensers for dog walkers and there’s a nice path leading to a breathtaking and unobstructed view of Biscayne Bay and the city of Miami on the other side. The view of the Miami skyline is breathtaking here even without any sort of aids. As a bonus there is a metallic binocular for public use as well. People over the height of five feet will have to crouch down to use it, but, hey, you don’t even have to put in quarters to get a magnified look at boats traveling along the waterway, the houses across the bay (not so much that you can see in their windows, mind you), the MacArthur Causeway and the towering cranes of the Port of Miami.

 

Best Place to Take a Visitor

Beneath the Key Biscayne Bridges

A true local knows that there are a thousand wonderful things about Miami. They also know that most of them include coughing up major cash and will probably not be appreciated by visitors unimpressed with the pomp and pretense that make this city notorious. Enter the undersides of Rickenbacker Causeway. Pull off under the first bridge around sunset to reach a prime place to send sun-weary, wallet-taxed relatives and friends home with the best vacation photo they may ever take. Though Miamians hem and haw over downtown’s overdeveloped skyline, it does hold a certain sense of magic when the sun is disappearing behind Brickell. Stroll down the adjacent abandoned bridge lined with fishermen and teenagers on the lam to get a true sense of the city that will even leave the most seasoned local waxing nostalgic about the Magic City.

 

Best Park

Fruit & Spice Park

There’s no reason why any Miamian need hop to an island or restaurant-up in order to get a firsthand taste and smell of the many wonders of the Tropics, not with Fruit & Spice a mere 35 miles from our city line. Boasting 125 kinds of mangoes, 75 varieties of bananas and bamboo enough to fill an old-growth forest, Miami-Dade Park & Recreation’s 32-acre Redland spread is a veritable bonanza of hot-climate treasures. And though, hurricane Andrew did some very nasty things to its signature canopies, the park is blooming back with a vengeance, bursting with a color even a kaleidoscope would be hard-pressed to mimic. Location: 24801 SW 187th Ave., Homestead. Phone: 305-247-5727. Web site: www.fruitandspicepark.org.

 

Best Dog Park

Pine Tree Park

With all due respect to Mid-Beach activist Henry Lowenstein, we gotta keep that dog park. The four-legged canines and their human companions just love the vegetation. And it is not like security is an issue, as Bear Smirnoff, a Beach resident with a past criminal record, found out when he called the police claiming there was someone at the park with a shotgun after having a dispute with another park-goer. The MBPD responded in minutes with assault weapons at the ready. When the police found no one with a shotgun, Smirnoff was taken away for having a concealed tape recorder. But never mind that. Point is, if a human goes wacky or there is a psycho pit bull, the cops will be ready with some potent automatic fire. Location: 4499 Pine Tree Drive, Miami Beach.

 

Best Place to Walk or Jog

Brickell Avenue

There are plenty of beautiful parks in Miami-Dade to stroll through, but there’s nothing more Miami than taking a run all the way along Brickell Avenue to downtown. Lush trees shade the sidewalk and high-rise condos tower above. As you approach the financial district, the destination gets closer and closer until you go uphill, over the bridge, and finally land downtown. But don’t get too comfortable; it’s time to turn around and jog back!

 

Best Beach

Crandon Park Beach

For a day of relaxation, swimming or wading in still and lagoon-like waters alone or with your family, Crandon beach is the place to be for a $5 parking fee. With its near-empty beaches and abundant amenities, Crandon beach is the perfect spot to take your family for a day of fun in the sun. Among the many fun activities that you and your family will enjoy are kite-surfing, picnicking, bike riding, skating and rollerblading. At the Family Amusement Center, kids can be kids in the playground sand, creating their masterpieces for the day and riding the center’s one-of-a-kind carousel. After all these activities, families can satisfy their thirst or hunger by purchasing food or drink at one of the many concession stands. If you don’t feel like getting up to get the ice cream you need to cool down, they will bring it to you.

If you’re the type of person who likes to be alone and get away from it all, there is still plenty of room to be solitary and enjoy your day. You can visit the Crandon Park Beach gardens, where you will find a well-tamed and manicured garden complete with lakes, as well as a tropical forest with hovering vines and a variety of ferns.

If you’re having that beach party and want storage for your lounge chairs, towels, surfboards and coolers, take advantage of Crandon beach’s storage services. For a price range of $22-$38, you can store your necessities for the day. After a fun-filled day of salt water on your skin and white sand between your toes, you can rinse off in the private showers and check out the park’s other surrounding amenities, such as tennis courts, golf course and fine restaurants. Location: 4000 Crandon Blvd., Key Biscayne. Phone: 305-361-5421.

 

Best Beach Flashback

Diaries of a South Beach Party Girl

If you were cool enough to garner invites during South Beach’s late-’90s heyday, then you probably know at least half of the characters in this debut novel by retired party girl Gwen Cooper. The tale of one girl’s transition from Coral Gables nine-to-fiver to underemployed Beach socialite rings with a truth that is both entertaining and slightly off-setting for those still enmeshed in the club circuit. Though securely in the chick lit genre thanks to a romantic subplot involving one of the Beach’s better-known characters, even those of the male persuasion will enjoy the excuse to reminisce. The perfect beach read for the bottle set.

 

Best Accent on a Civil Servant

Jean-Francois Lejeune

We’re gonna be honest here. Sitting through a commission or a city board meeting is not always the most fun you could possibly have in Miami Beach. But there is one board member who brings a different kind of excitement to the city’s Historic Preservation Board, and that’s Jean-Francois Lejeune. His accent transports you out of your light nap and into some Harlequin world of French or Belgian things, where a strapping young man in some kind of costume with long flowing hair wields a sword. He’s talking about trash cans behind some old hotel on Miami Beach, but his accent makes it sound like he’s reciting poetry in the Louvre.

Even more honest, accents are sexy, regardless of the subject attempting to be conveyed. Of course, that could be attributed to the fact that you’re trying not to hear what is being said, and a thick accent makes it that much easier. In fact, we think the citizens of this great city would be better served if all board members and commissioners assumed an accent — maybe Cockney?

Another way LeJeune makes the world a better place: He’s an associate professor of design and theory at the University of Miami. Where was he when we had to sit through lectures on the theory of anything?

 

Best Place to Meet Single Women

Dog Chow Dog Park at Kennedy Park

The fenced-in dog scampin’ ground at Kennedy Park is the perfect place to meet someone. Along with being located in one of the most beautiful waterfront parks in the city, it provides a wonderfully spacious, yet enclosed, place to run the most obvious icebreaker in history. This type of activity is so common at the Dog Chow Dog Park that makeup and perfect hair have replaced the typical dog-walking attire of sweatpants and shirt you got for free at a Miami Heat game. The tricky part is looking good while picking up poo. Location: 2400 S. Bayshore Drive, Coconut Grove.

 

Best Place to Meet a Single Man

The Airport

Forget about Social Miami’s latest soiree at the new “hot spot” on South Beach, speed dating or finding true love on the Internet. There is no better place to improve your odds, ladies and gentlemen, than at the airport. Hopefully you can snag your man before he flees with dreams of a higher-paying job and the change of seasons. Location: Miami International Airport, Ft. Lauderdale International Airport. Phone: No need to call, just show up.

 

Best Place to Meet a Gay Man

CoralGAYbles

Is South Beach the only place to congregate with other gay men? Not according to Joe, founder of the coralGAYbles organization. “We don’t live on South Beach or in Wilton Manors, so sometimes we can be ‘invisible’ even to each other,” states the organizer on his Web page. “This Web page is an attempt to allow us to get together, to exchange ideas or to simply find a place to meet friends who actually live, work, dine and shop in and around Coral Gables, South Miami, Little Havana, the Grove, Brickell, Kendall and the rest of the ‘Mainland.’” For nearly four years, gay men from around Miami-Dade have gathered at locations south and west of the Beach without the long drive and expense. CoralGAYbles helps them unite for monthly socials and weekly activities in the vicinity. The Web site boasts more than 1,000 members and features community news from Planet Out and GaydarRadio.com, as well as links to many of the county’s local resources for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. Web site: www.coralgaybles.com.

 

Best Place to Heal a Struggling Relationship

Española Way Washington and Jefferson Avenues at 14th and 15th Streets

Miami Beach

The block of Miami Beach known as Española Way is the closest thing to Paris or Rome that Miami has. Española is surrounded by romantic historical Mediterranean Revival buildings dating back to the 1920s that offer what is probably the best outdoor dining in the city. Giacomo, Española’s classic Italian restaurant, is the perfect place to drink too much wine until the world starts to shine (that’s amore, by the way), putting the spark back into a floundering relationship. If you’re a guy who’s somehow pissed off your lady, the best time to go is on Sunday night around 8 p.m., when the street festival, offering zillions of pieces of hand-crafted jewelry, is under way, so you can buy her something as pretty as she is. Bellisimo!

 

Best Fowl Experience

That Chicken Guy

Mark Buckley is really good at picking up chicks. OK, OK, we’ve exhausted the chicken puns, especially since “Mr. Clucky” is a rooster. But truthfully, he must be really good at it because you can’t spot the guy on Lincoln Road (often outside Finnegan’s 2 chilling at a table — the bird perched on the back of a chair) without being surrounded by a flock of babes or kids, who are undoubtedly asking profound questions like, “Why you got a chicken with you, man?”

Buckley reportedly rescued the chicken, er, rooster, after what he believes was a daring escape from a Santeria ritual, only (and thank God for the unwitting bird) to turn it into a spectacle for tourists. It’s fitting for a city that just paid an artist $5,000 to design an Art Deco manhole cover.

Who needs to live in their natural habitat when you can be the subject of a Miami New Times cover? It could lead to bigger and better things than riding down Lincoln Road in the basket of a bicycle.

 

Best Erotica

New Times Back Pages

Our unanimous selection for Best Erotica goes to our friendly cross-town rival Miami New Times. Each and every week that “magazine” provides South Florida with photographs of nude or nearly nude women using lovely keisters to promote cut-rate cosmetic surgery shops, overpriced meat market fitness centers or just good old-fashioned strip clubs. Film studies majors will appreciate their voyeuristic noir-type advertisements, like recent ones for condominiums or apparel companies, featuring clothed yet lurid-looking young women caught lounging around their living rooms about to get naked. (Actually, the SunPost has a few of those ads too.) If you’re single and you love to mingle, please don’t miss the back portion of this publication — a veritable orgy of advertisements for gay phone sex lines, full body massage therapists and pathetic lonely hearts. Some sensitive readers may blush, but we can’t help but recall that famous fib from the 1970s when someone was spotted holding a copy of Playboy: “I just read it for the articles.”

 

Best Advocates

Miami Design Preservation League

You just gotta love an organization that holds a special event for doggies. Called “Arf Deco,” it was held alongside the 30th Annual Art Deco Weekend and attracted a couple hundred people who showed off their doggies. All together now: awwwwww!

But MDPL’s mission is a serious one. A nonprofit organization, it was founded in 1976 by the late Barbara Capitman as a means of showing people that the old 1920s and 1930s buildings found all over Miami Beach were worth preserving. Back then, the prevailing attitude was knock them down. Today, though, in huge part to the work put in by MDPL volunteers, preservation is now a priority at city hall, and the group’s attentions have now expanded to structures built in the 1950s and 1960s as well (what we like to call MiMo in these here parts). But there are still challenges. For example, log on to MDPL’s Web site and you shall see that the organization is about to take on Macy’s (formerly Burdines). Seems the corporate store is intent on destroying a mural that’s been around since 1953. “Macy’s has called the murals ‘ugly’ and ‘not relevant’ — the same arguments heard in the late 1970s for destroying Art Deco buildings throughout Miami Beach. Macy’s says it wants to create a store that epitomizes Miami Beach, and yet they’re planning to tear down the one feature that does just that.” And so an e-mail campaign shall be launched, MDPL’s little way of letting Macy’s know that when it comes to historic features, “ugly” and “not relevant” are fighting words. Location: 1001 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-2014. Web site: www.mdpl.org

 

Best Local Hero

Barrington Irving

When 23-year-old Barrington Irving touched down his Columbia 400 aircraft this past Wednesday, June 27, he became the first man of African descent and the youngest person ever to fly solo around the world. While that’s laudable in and of itself, it’s his background that makes the feat even more spectacular: The Jamaican-born Irving grew up in inner-city Miami. It was a chance meeting with another Jamaican, a United Airlines pilot, which set him on this flight path. Circumnavigating the world ain’t easy, nor is it cheap. Irving pieced together his trip by talking part-manufacturers into donating the plane he flies — piece by piece. He hopes to set an example for other inner-city youths, showing that if you set your mind to it, you can find a way to achieve your goals. Congratulations Barrington. We’re all proud of you! Web site: www.experienceaviation.org

 

Best FM Radio Personality

Prince Markie Dee, The Beat (103.5 FM)

If you are a fan of the early ’90s, you probably know Prince Markie Dee as one of the original Fat Boys, an early hip-hop group that was among the first to write songs humorously exploiting their weight. Mark “Markie Dee” Morales has since gone solo and racked up an impressive number of major producing credits. These days, his fans know him as The Prince of 103.5 “The Beat,” jamming the airwaves between 2 and 6 p.m. every weekday. On air, Markie Dee is all about satisfying his listeners, playing what they want to hear, whether it is old-school joints by LL Cool J or new tracks by Ne-Yo. During the giveaway segment of his daily show, Morales assigns random weights to the most requested songs and the listener who accurately totals the weights wins cool and exciting prizes, like concert or theater tickets, movie passes and CDs. You can hear the excitement in his screaming listeners’ voices as they interact with him.

During his off-air time, Markie Dee is busy producing tracks by artists like Mariah Carey and Mary J. Blige, to name a few. He also does promotions and charity work for the radio station. He is currently is working on a nationally syndicated show with BET host Big Tigger. Morales is also finishing the pilot for latest project “Pay Your Dues,” a television game show that is a hip-hop blend of Jeopardy and American Idol.

 

Best Miami Heat Player

Dwyane Wade

We’re sorry Shaq, we love you, but the man that makes the Heat go is the man whom you nicknamed Flash. Dwyane Wade, despite a tough season missing a slew of games due to a dislocated shoulder, still managed to average 27.4 points, 7.5 assists and just fewer than five rebounds per game. Not only do the numbers speak for themselves, but when faced with the difficult decision of playing it safe and having shoulder surgery to repair the damage, or to tough it out and return to try to lead his team to a repeat championship, Dwyane was not ready to throw in the towel. He battled through the pain and postponed his surgery until after an early playoff exit versus the Chicago Bulls. Not to mention he is humble and soft-spoken in the face of constant media attention and numerous accolades. Number 3 has become an instant legend in Miami and will only increase his standing with Heat fans in time.

 

Best Miami Dolphins Player

Jason Taylor

When you have the best defensive player in the league playing on your team, it’s hard not to pick him as your best player. And that’s what the Miami Dolphins have in defensive end Jason Taylor. Whether it was causing fumbles, hurries, sacks, interceptions, interception returns for touchdowns, Jason Taylor was doing it for the Dolphins last season. That’s what earned him the title of 2006 NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year. The 33-year-old vet didn’t look to be slowing down, especially after intercepting the football, which he did twice this year. And he took them back to the house for points that the struggling underachieving Dolphins offense certainly wasn’t supplying.

 

Best Second-Year Marlin

Dan Uggla

Leader for the Marlins in games played this season (64) and total bases (135), and second in homeruns (12) and RBI’s (38) to third baseman Miguel Cabrera. These are just a few stats posted by Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla that make him a candidate for the team’s most valuable player. In just his second year in the majors, the 27-year-old’s current pace could help him surpass his rookie numbers while also making him a potential candidate for his second All-Star game, which is set to take place in San Francisco on July 10.

 

Best Miami Coaching Legacy

Don Shula

Dennis Erickson leading the Hurricanes to two championships over a three-year span during the late 1980s or Pat Riley helping the Heat capture its first championship in 2006. While you can make a case for both men being the top coach in South Florida sports history, one can’t forget about the man who helped put South Florida on the map in terms of sports, Don Shula. Let me break down just a few of his accomplishments. He helped lead the Dolphins to two consecutive Super Bowl Championships in 1972 and 1973 and they were the only NFL team to ever go undefeated over the course of a season, including the playoffs, posting a 17-0 record in 1972. If that isn’t enough, he brought South Florida’s first championship on a major professional sports level. Oh, yeah, and Shula also holds the NFL record for career wins — 328 victories. Game over.

 

Best Day Trip

Shark Valley

There may be no sharks, but there is a valley, of sorts, it’s called the Shark River Slough and it feeds the Gulf of Mexico. And even if there were no valley, it wouldn’t mean this patch of Everglades green didn’t live up to the danger in its name. We’re talkin’ alligators, dig? More than you can shake your wits at. Fraidy cat tourists take the tram so they can view the beasts in air-conditioned comfort, more daring visitors rent themselves bikes and try not to run ‘em over, but the real daredevils walk right up to the massive reptiles, look ‘em in the eye and hope against hope they’ve already eaten. And if a gator-filled roadway is either too much or too little for you, take the Bobcat Boardwalk or the Otter Cave Hammock Trail and check out the wild just as it lives. We gotta warn you though, Otter Cave stays pretty much flooded all summer long. Location: From Miami take SW 8th Street (also known as U.S. 41 and Tamiami Trail) 25 miles west to signs marked Shark Valley. Phone: 305-242-7700.

 

Best Hotel

The Sagamore

If you pay $1,000 for a weekend (roughly the Sagamore’s average room-rate for three nights), we think it should be interesting. The Sagamore delivers on high rates in a pretty creative way: by turning the entire hotel into an art gallery. Not only do the common areas of The Sagamore feature their own private rotating gallery of beautiful photography, sculptures and paintings, but every piece of furniture and every lighting fixture seems to be something right out of I.D. magazine. Also, the standard suite, all granite and frosted glass, looks like something found Architectural Digest. But the best part of the Sagamore is probably the video garden, a magnificently well-kept patio area lined with video screens (usually playing experimental art videos) surrounded by small couches and tables where you can order drinks from the nearby bar and try to figure out what you’re watching. Location: 1671 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-535-8088.

 

Best Boutique Hotel

St. Augustine

Whoever said swinging can’t be soothing never got to swing in the Hotel St. Augustine. Impeccably understated and exquisitely appointed, the place is custom-made for those who not only know better but demand better of their lodgings. Proprietor Fernando Canale saw fit to outfit each his 24 rooms with a spa of its own, ensuring the soothe swings in utmost privacy and comfort. Add a charming bar, a charming staff and a charmed spot in the midst of one of South Beach’s better neighborhoods, and this redone 1937 landmark hotspot is about as good as great gets. Location: 347 Washington Ave, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-0570.

 

Best MiMo Hotel

International Inn on the Bay

For about $60 a night, stay at the International Inn on the Bay, where Reno 911!: Miami was filmed this year. Designed in 1956, Melvin Grossman’s hotel overlooks Biscayne Bay. This hotel is located just a short drive across the bridge from the beach, shopping, Miami’s greatest restaurants and the hottest nightlife. Like to go fishing? Sportfishing is available off the dock behind the hotel. Daily charter boats also take out those daring visitors willing to test their sea legs out to fish on the open water. Location: 2301 Normandy Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-861-8484.

 

Best Art Deco Hotel

The Tides

It’s still a work in progress. Until later this summer, guests won’t have access to the pool area and adjoining Coral Bar, as renovation work is being conducted. Ditto for three guest rooms. But everything else from the South Beach lobby to the martini bar is good to go. That goes double for the newly opened La Marea Restaurant, where guests can enjoy Mediterranean-style cuisine prepared by Executive Chef Pietro Rota.

Built in 1936 and designed by Lawrence Murray Dixon, the Tides was a huge Miami Beach hotel at the time—with 115 rooms. Today the Tides has only 45 rooms, though they are far more spacious than in the old Deco days and fully modernized with up-to-date equipment: plasma TVs, Bose wave radio and DVD players. The best part: The Tides is right smack-dab in the center of the South Beach action. Location: 1220 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-604-5070. Web site: www.tidessouthbeach.com.

 

Best Spa

Agua Spa at the Delano Hotel

Not only is the Delano a popular hotel, but it also contains the Agua Spa for your enjoyment. Not limited to just adults, teenagers as young as 16 are able to partake in the many features that the spa has to offer. As far as spa treatments are concerned, the prices pretty much mirror those of its counterparts, with a few exceptions. For example, a glowing facial treatment will run you about $140 an hour, and a rejuvenating facial treatment $160 an hour. Less expensive is the M Facial for Men, which is $120 an hour. Men also pay less for The Eminent Shave, costing only $65 for an hour. Beyond facials, the Delano Hotel offers several different massages as well as body treatments, with prices fluctuating. Although the Delano doesn’t give out discounts to Florida residents, cheaper prices and more selections make the Delano more convenient for the average-income individual. Location: 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 800-949-7414. Web site: www.delano-hotel.com.

 

Best Mobile Spa

Miami City Massage

First, let’s start with the concept: the mobile spa. Pizza, absolutely. Mail, fairly regularly. Even a decent Moo Goo Gai Pan. But a spa, delivered on- site? What could be better? Miami City Massage is the best spa/mobile spa company. They deliver stellar luxury spa services in its ocean-side spa or in your home, office, hotel room or special event. All spa services, even mobile ones, are administered in special “spa surroundings” created by massage therapists, estheticians and nail technicians. Miami City Spa staff dim the lights and/or close the drapes, light white candles, scatter fresh rose petals and turn on serene music. Upon the completion of all of the treatments, a therapeutic bath is drawn and their signature blend of exotic herbs and essences, coupled with sea salts from Israel is added to the bath water as rose petals float on the surface. Location: 425 Ocean Drive, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-534-5555.

 

Best Barber

Fajardo’s

Forget the “Hair Styling” legend beneath the name on the window; this is a barber shop, pure and perfectly simple. And why wouldn’t it be? Namesake owner Nestor Fajardo’s been in the barber biz since he was born. He and his pops barbered in the shop at Bal Harbour’s Americana Hotel, and upon dad’s death, Nestor moved the family trade to Coral Way, where he and his wingman Elysio Paz have been steadily serving for 22 years. Ten dollars, 10 minutes, no fooling. And if you do have to wait for a chair, there’s a well-worn copy of William Carlos Williams’ Collected Poems to help pass the time. Location: 2381 Coral Way, Miami. Phone: 305-854-3142.

 

Best Pilates

Pinecrest Pilates

Taking up an exercise routine is relatively easy. Finding one where a new injury isn’t associated with each experience is a bit more difficult.

The instructors at Pinecrest Pilates work especially hard to make sure clients perform the more than 500 different exercises of the 70-year-old fitness method safely and correctly, avoiding injury. With clients ranging from young teenagers to the elderly, Pinecrest Pilates trainers effectively train and condition people at all fitness levels, in private or small group settings. Instructors work with people already injured or those with special needs to safely exercise their ailment without the impact of traditional exercise equipment and movements.

Owner and head instructor Christina Singer says that most yoga and Pilates instructors don’t pay enough attention to their clients’ movements, which, when done improperly, are ineffective and can cause injury. She says Pilates equipment like reformers and chairs work to strengthen the core muscles of the body, including deep abdominal, buttocks and spinal muscles. The movements elongate the spine, increasing flexibility in the muscles and joints. Location: 12115 S. Dixie Highway, Pinecrest. Phone: 305-275-2275. Website: www.pinecrestpilates.com.

 

Best Swimming Pool

Mandarin Oriental

If you were born and raised in Miami, it’s hard to find “paradise” in the place you grew up. But head over to the Mandarin Oriental and it feels like you’ve traveled somewhere exotic. The infinity-edge pool is among the most beautiful scenes in Miami. With gorgeous, crystalline chlorinated waters, it’s hard to find its match in the 305. Privately situated, you can bask in the sun or take a quick dip without having to worry about critical on-lookers. They just want to be left alone as well. Location: 500 Brickell Key Drive, Miami. Phone: 305-913-8288.

 

Best Trainers

Chris and Tiffany at ProperForm

ProperForm means business when it comes to getting fit. Although it is a small center, this gym truly packs a punch. Featuring state-of-the-art technology like the Bod Pod, trainers Chris and Tiffany will take accurate measurements to help you achieve your body goals. Chris is super tactful, and although he knows you need to lose a few (or a lot of) pounds, one pep talk from him and you’ll be eager to get on with their training program without feeling like a couch potato. Tiffany, also tactful, is pretty good at gauging your limits and will explain thoroughly what each exercise will do for you. Trust us, you’ll be sore for a week, but that’s a good thing. Location: 1935 West Ave., 2nd Floor, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-531-8818.

 

Best Place to Jump Start Your Makeover

Vidal Sassoon

The difference between the old you and the new you can be as simple as a haircut. Not just any coif will do, either. You need a funky ’do that complements your style and the shape of your face. The hair experts at VS know exactly what to do with what you’re currently calling a shapeless mop. Book an appointment with the students in the creative classes and get a cheaper deal. Be prepared to wait, though. On average, a haircut will take about four hours from start to finish. But it’s well worth it. Location: 660 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 305-672-3600.

 

Best Way to Treat Your Feet

Deluxe Ice Cream Pedicure at Agua Spa

For women, there is nothing better than ice cream and pedicures, unless you’re having them at the same time. The Delano’s Agua Spa somehow knows a woman’s instinct rather well and delivers. Introducing the Ice Cream Pedicure. For about $75 you can get a rich serving of chocolate or vanilla ice cream while your tootsies marinate in chocolate or vanilla foot soak. Just sit back and relax in Agua’s strikingly white ambiance, you deserve it. Location: 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Phone: 1-800-949-7414.

 

Best Eyebrow Stylist

Robert at Lyons Salon and Spa

A facelift can take years off of a person’s countenance and make sagging facial skin tighter than the clothes on the girls from the “Chongalicious” video. But if you don’t want your face to look quite like size 2 stretch pants on a size 8 badonkadonk, a good eyebrow grooming can revamp an otherwise tired expression.

Stylist Robert Hogg at Lyons Salon and Spa in South Miami has been grooming eyebrows on men and women for the last 20 years, and says that eyebrows are the most important facial feature to keep well kept, helping to turn the face into a complete composition. Painting your lips and shadowing your eyes may alter your features slightly; the eyebrows are the only facial aspect that can really be changed, sans surgery.

Robert shapes eyebrows to complement the lines and angles of the eyes, cheekbones, lips and the jaw, brightening the eyes, making them appear wider by flattering and framing the face. Un-groomed brows tend to make the eyes look heavy and smaller, giving the illusion that the eyes are dark, drooping and more deeply set.

While many salons use waxing as brow maintenance (which Robert believes can be harmful to delicate muscles and skin around the eyes), Robert uses small scissors to trim the eyebrows and then carefully shapes them using tweezers. A custom brow grooming from Robert at Lyons Salon and Spa starts at $20. Robert also specializes in permanent lash extensions and the application of special occasion make-up. He is also responsible for the sophisticated hair cuts and stunning highlights on some of the best heads of hair in Miami. Location: 7500 SW 61st Ave., South Miami. Phone: 305-663-1777. Web site: www.lyonssalonandspa.com

 

Best Golf Course

Miami Beach Golf Club

Opened in 1923 by Carl Fisher as Bayshore Golf Course, The Miami Beach Golf Club was built to attract the wealthy to Miami Beach during the winter. According to the owners of the course, during World War II the U.S. Army rented the grounds for $1 a year as a training ground, and soldiers ran around the course throwing smoke grenades. By 2002, the course had undergone a $10 million renovation designed by Arthur Hills, designer of many of country’s most renowned courses. The amazing 18-hole course is now frequented by all the pros as well as celebrities like Matt Damon and NFL Hall of Famer Jim Brown. The Miami Beach Golf Club is a quiet oasis in the middle of Miami Beach, and the rates aren’t that bad: $90 includes green fees, cart and balls. Location: 2301 Alton Road, Miami Beach. Phone: 305-532-3350. Web site: www.miamibeachgolfclub.com

 

Best Tennis Courts

The Crandon Park Tennis Center

Have you ever wanted to practice your backhand on the red terre of Roland-Garros? How about a serve and volley on the finely manicured grass courts of Wimbledon? Well, you can sort of do both at the Crandon Park Tennis Center on Key Biscayne.

The Crandon Park Tennis Center has seen some of the finest play in the game, as it hosts the Sony-Ericsson Open each year, welcoming the best players in the world to Miami.

Open for a minimal fee to the public, the Tennis Center features18 hard, two European red clay, four American green clay, as well as the only two public grass courts in Miami. The Tennis Center also has a full-service pro shop, with racket stringing services available. Adjacent to two miles of beautiful Crandon Park Beach, Atlantic Ocean and Biscayne Bay breezes cool down tennis players during the evening hours, when six of the courts are lit for evening play. And even if you don’t swing a racket with the likes of a Nadal or a Mauresmo, individual and semi-private lessons are available daily from USPTA and USPTR instructors to help improve your game. Location: 7300 Crandon Blvd., Key Biscayne. Phone: 305-365-2300.

 

Best Much-Needed Upgrade

The Outside Stage at Churchill’s

Everybody loves Churchill’s, but we all know that the Little Haiti bar is not exactly known for its upscale décor. After a series of alleged stick-ups at the joint for a few years, owner Dave Daniels arranged for a new front door to be installed in order to keep his loyal patrons protected. Then came more upgrades. First, the opening of Sweat Records (after their first locale was obliterated by Hurricane Wilma) and then a revamp of the outside stage, which was literally some wood nailed together. The little stage-that-could soon turned into a decked-out performance platform, complete with stylish awning. Now all the open-mike kids have a new home. So, Dave, about those bathrooms…. Location: 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami Phone: 305-757-1807.