Driving the 411 to insane lust and right-wing guilt: Kelly Carlson. Photo by Jean-Paul Aussenard/wireimages.com

When I consider the conservative position that the promiscuous sex and drug use shown on television corrupts the moral values of America, I am sometimes forced to concede they might actually have a point. I came to this unavoidable truth one Tuesday night at 10:03 p.m. — three minutes into a scene of Ryan Murphy’s Nip/Tuck, in which one of the protagonists, Dr. Christian Troy, played by actor Julian McMahon, snorted cocaine off the gorgeous bare ass of Kelly Carlson. I remember thinking that was really cool and that I wanted to try it as soon as possible.

The thing is, well, the Republicans win the moral high ground on this one. But, the hedonist devil that I am couldn’t resist an evening with the lovely Carlson, who hosted Friday night at Mansion. With a bevy of suitors courting the blonde goddess all night, I had my work cut out for me. But when she and I clapped harmoniously for the live performance of STOMP, I knew we shared a moment. Alas, by the end of the night, all she did was toy with my emotions. Now, I’m considering an assassination attempt on someone, so she’ll finally notice me and love me forever. Just kidding, government. Don’t go trippin’ all terror alert orange or whatever.

American Cameo

Yeah Dawg! Almost all of the American Idol-makers made a cameo at the club of the same name. Idol judge Randy Jackson took up the ones and twos at the turntables Friday night and performed a special DJ set. Meanwhile, his Idol cohorts Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest got their mack on with Oakland Raiders cheerleaders in the back of da club. Nothing scandalous ensued, but the pair was surrounded by blonde bombshells for most of the night. Noticeably missing from the idolaters’ crew, though, were the kooky painkiller antics of Paula Abdul. Rumor has it that the loopy Idol judge was holed up at the Setai, incapacitated by the wonders of modern pharmacology. However, she was there in spirit when DJ Dawg, as I like to call Jackson, spun a remixed version of “Opposites Attract.” Hmmm, I wonder what Simon Scowl thinks of that rappin’ cat. Anyway, Wild Cherry Alchemy sponsored the event and, when Jackson wasn’t DJing, Cowell and Seacrest got their thug on by requesting tracks from Kanye West and Jay-Z.

The crew was in town to judge tapings from the American Idol Miami auditions at the JW Marriott. Although Abdul was seen very little during the weekend, all of the judges and the host hit the town Saturday night in true pimp style as they sat center stage at Set, toasting glasses and commiserating like good friends do. 

Diddy and Dickinson

P. Diddy wasn’t answering any of the tough questions about the Miami Herald’s discovery of rampant, wasteful spending and insider deals at the Miami-Dade Empowerment Trust anti-poverty agency. The scathing report details how millions of tax dollars were squandered. And just where did that money go? Well, to Diddy, of course! The rap mogul’s round-trip charter flight to Miami during the 2004 MTV Music Awards only cost us taxpayers “more than $87,000, including $1,070 for in-flight catering.” To be fair, Diddy wasn’t the only one who enjoyed the fruits of our labor. Another $175,000 was spent “ferry[ing] celebrities to the MTV Video Music Awards on charter flights arranged by Executive Air Services — a company run by trust board member Fabio Alexander,” according to the Herald. Shakira, Eve and Owen Wilson were among the other stars who benefited from our hard work.

Diddy didn’t comment on the scandal, but he did make his way to Privé on Saturday night. We hear he was nice to everybody, but that just could be the result of a Page Six article claiming that, when a door girl at New York’s GoldBar asked Diddy how many were in his party, “Diddy just called her a ‘[bleep]ing bitch’ and opened the velvet rope and let himself through.” Ouch! That’s messed up.

It’s almost as messed up as Janice Dickinson’s face. Seriously, that chick should avoid the sun. Of course, that’s exactly the opposite of what she did. The old broad was canoodling during the weekend with some hot bods by the pool of the Catalina Hotel, where the former first supermodel was filming her reality show.

Spotted:

• Rick Ross, DJ Khaled, Juelz Santana, Dre from the Terror Squad, Baby, T.I., Mack Maine and the man of the hour, Lil Wayne, on the SS Weezy for a special birthday bash on Friday night.

• Eddie Matos from CBS’ new show Cane at a Dolphins pregame fundraiser benefiting Amigos for Kids. Latin crooner Carlos Ponce also attended the game.

• America’s Next Top Model winner Jaslene Gonzalez at Cameo on Saturday, doing her best “Blue Steel” and “Magnum” looks for all the party-goers.

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