Stuntin’ Like My Daddy

By Kris Conesa

Let me tell you why my dad is cooler than yours. For one thing, in his heyday, he used to roll around lookin’ good in his hot car. It was a Corvette. Now, if that single act of rebel defiance isn’t enough to convince you of his pimpin’ status back in the day, you might also wish to consider that he was always on the list at a place called Honeys for the Bear.

Now, while I’m well aware that sounds more like the modern-day title of a gay porn flick featuring a hair fetish, I’ve been assured that it was, in fact, a swinging nightspot back in the ’70s. It was reportedly so exclusive the bouncers would personally hand-pick the clients they would allow to enter — you know, like at Set, except in the ’70s, so think disco chic.  

There also was another destination that was all the rage back then. It was one of these themed joints called the 747 Club, where according to these nightlife stewards of yesteryear, the DJ booth was made to look like the cockpit of an out-of-place Boeing jet. No, I’m not talking about the Pawn Shop Lounge. That DJ booth looks likes a big rig, and it’s the VIP section that looks like the inside of an airliner. Get it right. I’m talking about Pawn Shop’s prequel 30 years in the past.

Anyway, I learned all this nightclub lore while trying to explain the current nightlife paradigm to my pappy and his pals. He was having a little trouble believing me when I told him he, too, could indulge.

“So people my age [53] go there and do what?” he asked.

Well, if they don’t know anyone, Dad, they would have to buy a couple of bottles at 300 bucks a pop, and then they would get a table. Once there, they would attempt to liquor up as many willing 20-somethings as possible with said bottle. They would do this in the hopes that other party-goers and women (or cougars, as our generation calls them) would notice them. At the very least, they would want other club-goers to assume they were persons of some prominence, obviously capable of spending copious amounts of money on booze they were not drinking and trophy dates they were probably not going to sleep with; thus, they would be deemed successful and, more importantly, cool.

Needless to say, my dad was thrilled. He quickly wanted to know where he could indulge in such debauchery and thereby spend any future inheritance I had coming on my new stepmom, who would no doubt be named Bibi and like to chill at Mokaï on Tuesdays. Did I mention that the girls around the office keep calling my dad a DILF whenever they see a picture of him?

Anyway, with that in mind, Happy Father’s Day, and here’s a list of places I promised to take my dad to this week.

Tonight, for instance, there’s plenty for you and dad to do at the Ocean Drive magazine-sponsored happy hour at the newest place for Japanese pan-Latin fare, Abokado, in Mary Brickell Village. “Rethink Sushi” will feature interactive sushi-making lessons and “endless contemporary gourmet possibilities to please your palate.” There will be cocktails provided by Veev, a DJ and a live percussionist. This all takes place this evening from 6:30 to 9 p.m.

If you and your dad would rather not leave the Beach, take him to the topping-off of the W hotel from 7 to 9 p.m. at 309 23rd St. I’ve been assured there will be cocktails and complimentary valet.

On Friday, get into the groove with Fashion Fridays at The Forge, which is, in my opinion, the best place to take dad. There, designer Jonathan Miranda will be unveiling his new Pret-À-Porter Collection 2009 with a spectacular fashion show brought to you by usual suspects Shareef Malnik, Maxwell Blandford and the like. As a special surprise, you’ll also be treated to the sounds of DJ/producer Danny Daze.

At the most exclusive club since the 747, there will be a special Father’s Day bash. Mokaï has hooked up with those fine purveyors of urban booze, Hennessey. For all the daddies in the house, every time you order a sidecar with Hennessey, patrons will be awarded a Zino Platinum cigar, which retails for around 50 bucks. So smoke ’em if you got ’em, pops.

Spotted:

Seann William Scott having lunch at SushiSamba on Lincoln Road on Monday.

Watching game two of the NBA finals at Lucky Strike on Sunday were Shawn Marion, Michael Finley, Carlos Boozer and Ben Gordon.

CeCe Peniston on Saturday at the Marriott South Beach. OMG, this what I’ve been reduced to? When does summer end again?