We Get Fresh Fruit. You Get Alabama

Dear red states:

We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve decided we’re leaving.

We whose hearts are with the blue states intend to form our own country and we’re taking the other blue states with us. Those of us unfortunately located in red states may need to relocate!

In case you aren’t aware, that includes wonderful places like California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the blue states in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the nation’s low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the red states you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of the nation’s mosquitoes, nearly 100% of its tornadoes, 90% of its hurricanes, 99% of its Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of its televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.

We’re taking the good weed, too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

Speak Your Mind